Sunday, April 25, 2010

To date or not to date that is the question?

*To protect the innocent, names have been changed or just altogether left out of this blog.*

So I have a guy friend, who would like to be more than just a friend with me. And honestly, I can't bring myself to commit one way or the other.

And if circumstances were different I would probably feel differently about this whole situtation.

Honestly, we are close. We know a lot about each other and when we are together it's comfortable and easy to talk to him. And we have fun together. So on the good guy friend scale he's pretty high up there, which is where you would like someone who you're considering dating.

But see like any girl there are a few things that I'm kinda looking for, some are more important than others, but some in my opinion are really unnegtiable- unless there is a sincere and honest reason for why they didn't happen. And until he started asking me if I'd like to take it to the next level, I honestly didn't want to know/ feel it was really my right to know some of this stuff.
And I'm afraid that if I were to get into a relationship that I could fall into love. He does have some good qualities. But here are some of the reasons that I'm really not sure it would be a good idea to put myself into circumstances that could lead to something as eternal and binding as a sealing.

*he hasn't served a mission- from an old conversation I remember him saying medical reasons, but talking to a mutal friend it sounds like it was a matter of a few pounds that prevented him from serving. And I'm not judging but a matter of a few pounds to me, could later mean a few dollars later off of a full tithe or I came close to fulfilling a calling etc, but _______ prevented me. If you want something enough you will do everything you can to have it. Not to mention there's just the fact that guys generally grow and mature a lot on their missions.
Not to mention I still want to serve a mission myself when I have enough money to go and when the time feels right. -Now I think it would seem to much like I was running from this situation.

*Still doesn't know what he wants to do with his life- he graduated the same year as me so he's been out of school for nearly 5 yrs and tried school for about a school year I think and then flunked out when he couldn't decide what he wanted to do/ didn't put the needed effort in.

*When he quit school he moved back home and lives with his parents still and as far as I know doesn't plan on moving out anytime soon. He is trying to get back into school, but I'll believe it when it happens.

We still keep in touch, but communication is by texting and facebook chatting- Hello?? If you can't call a girl up on the phone, especially if you're considering a relationship there's a problem!
I know girls can be intimidating, but that's one of the risks you have to take.

And then there's the fact that the last time we spoke he was like did I ever tell you what my mom said after she met you? Quoting him: "She thought that you were so cute and that she decided that you and I were going to get married one day." And you know his mom is great, a real sweetheart, however I don't want him to use that as some kind of string to get my interest in some strange way? And maybe if the circumstances were different I could honestly consider it, like that's why this is so hard......

He still has potential. Like personality wise and he's way up there on the guy friend scale, and he is temple worthy, it's just the grown up, maturity scale that he's lacking.

And I've had some roommates say to at least date the guy and just work on developing that type of relationship in preparation for the future.

But at the same time I know that if I seriously were to become more commited there is interest that could lead to a lifetime of supporting a guy who still hasn't really figured things out for himself or prepared himself for life....

Would it be bad to give him some of these reasons. I told him that I wasn't sure that we hadn't dated enough for me to really to have even considered taking it to the next level. So we're going out again when he figures out some fanatstic "girlfriend winning over date" of some kind probably. So like after that date, when I'm sure this will come up, should I be honest and give him some of these reasons or just say, I'd just prefer to remain friends.

Cause honestly I think a lot of this, is changable. Even the mission part, it would take a lot of effort, but odds are he could still be able to go. And if he were to figure a lot of this stuff out, there's really wouldn't be a reason for me to worry about being in a relationship with him.

And if I tell him these things honestly, when he does find a girl who is SERIOUS about him, when he is SERIOUS about his own life and what he's doing, he'll actually be better prepared then???


Katrina said...

I really respect you for thinking through things! My opinion is that he isn't ready to date. I know in our culture, we all get married super early (I was 21), but it is a gamble because people aren't finished growing/changing that early on and you don't know who they are going to be. This guy could continue on the track, as nice as he is, and not be the ideal provider you deserve. Or, he could change (only on his own)and figure out what he wants in life and be a great husband. At this point, there is no way to tell. I would play it on the safe side and I would give him feedback about why. Then I would look him up when he was about 30 and see how he is doing. Good luck!

Valerie said...

I 100% agree with Katrina. It's a hard situation. It would be bad to be stuck somewhere that you can't change or don't like, just to realize you could have done something about it at the beginning. Like talking to him about it and playing it safe.

Deanna said...

Thanks girls!

DangGina said...

You know, I can understand what you mean about the whole "serving a mission thing" but that shouldn't hold you back. You said he's Temple-worthy, and that's what's truly important, right? Some of the other stuff sound more like red-flags than the not serving a mission thing.

I say, if you think you might be interested in this fella, you might as well be completely honest with him. Tell him why he's great, and tell him why you have your reservations about starting a relationship with him. He deserves honesty, right?

Keep me posted, by the by... ;)

Anonymous said...

Well this reply is super late, just getting back into the blogging scene again. But... I probably wouldn't date him for several of the reasons you listed above. Mainly, he just seems immature, doesn't have any goals, and isn't self driven to do anything. Seriously, he should call you. First off, you can't assume that a dating relationship will end up in a marriage. Secondly, don't judge him about the mission thing (it's not for you to judge). I mean, you have a right to know why he didn't go, and ask yourself if you could live with that. But that's about it. If you're going to hold it over his head for the entire relationship, and possibly eternity then it's going to be pure misery for both parties. He probably told you it was b/c of medical issues b/c he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his weight. Seriously, who hasn't felt embarrassed by their weight at some point or another? But, missions aren't a guy's golden ticket of being a decent person. I've known some guys that have gone on missions that shouldn't have, and should have been sent home but girls think they have the "golden ticket" of being a returned missionary. I've known some guys that haven't served missions, and they are really, truly amazing individuals that get judged ALL the time. On the flipside, there are majority of guys that serve a mission and are also truly amazing and deserve that "RM golden ticket." And again, there are some guys that haven't served a mission that are total losers.

I do agree with what Katrina says. You marry (or in this case, date) a guy the way he is right now. You can't change someone, they are responsible for that.

I know this advice is too late, and you may never see it. But, I wouldn't date this guy because you have to think about it so much. Dating, and marriage especially comes naturally, it shouldn't have to be analyzed so much.

Good luck!