Saturday, August 15, 2009

The "To Be Continued...." Point

(Warning: This blog will probably be a little bit long winded and may include a couple of tangents in conversation... get used to it.... have I ever had a conversation stay on one topic ever..... and I'm really not joking! But today its easier for me to write out all this that's been bugging me, and it's easier than trying to put it into logical sentences over a phone or in conversations)

So after 22 years I have finally realized something about myself... sadly because of the lack of this thing I thrive on. I am kinda a control hog when it comes to my life. ... OK not Kinda... I am. I don't like other people making decisions for me and I really hate not knowing what's going to happen.

I'm not a red personality. I don't want to be the person in charge. My major color is Blue I want things organized and ready. And I hate it when things aren't planned and ready...

Now I enjoy random adventures and stuff, but ultimately I want to know that I will have a place to sleep at night and approximately when I'll get to a place and when I'll leave and I like planning beforehand what I might want to do. I may procrastinate deciding what I'll ultimately end up doing but I want to have a general idea.

And you're probably thinking... ok... yeah so you like control.... big deal why are you writing about it? Well here's why..... Cause I like to plan, and to know what's coming up... (you should see my schedule when I'm in school... it's all in writing) I think I may have taken after Mom on this. But anyway as I approach the end of my education... I'm beginning to mentally FREAK out a little.. okay a LOT!!!!

Basically the last 22 yrs of my life I've always know what came next and usually it had something to do with my education. I went to Joy School and Preschool and Kindergarten and then all the way up through the 13 yrs of public education.

And then I've gone through 4 full years of college, and here I am entering my LAST semester in Rexburg and I'm getting ready for student teaching to complete my fifth year.

It's pretty easy to be confident with what to do when there's basically another step to reach another thing to master. But now I'm reaching the end of my current educational path.

And I've finally made up my mind about both Fall semester and my student teaching semester starting in January. At least about where I want to live... but now again my need for control is starting to flare up minorly concerning fall semester.

I know where I want to live, but I'm not planning on living with anyone I already know, so I'm extremely anxious to get an email telling me who I'm going to be living with! And it was supposed to be here like the beginning of this week and a day or so ago I got an email saying that the roommie lists could possibly take another week!!! And I'm starting to stress... The longer I have to wait the more I worry about having 5 freshman roommates or moldy dishes hanging out in the sink and a table buried under stacks of roommates crap.

Which really aren't things that I can control. But I just want to know who so I can accept the worst if it is freshman or at least stalk them on facebook. :D

But I'm still excited to be done in Rexburg.... and to be able to move on to a new time in my life.

And I'm excited to go to Mesa, Arizona. It feels like it's where I'm supposed to be.
But I'm a worry wart and a what ifer... and I'm worried I might not really like it. I've never had to control a whole class by myself ALL DAY. And I'm sure I can do it. And I'm sure I'm going to make a fabulous teacher, but there's always those what ifs.

What's really trying my patience and causing a massive flare in my need to control is actually the fact that I have absolutely NO CLUE what I'm going to do after I walk across the stage to receive my diploma in April. Until I finish student teaching and answer some of my what ifs I can't make up my mind about what I want to do.

I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life in my parents' basement, but I don't know where I want to go, and some days I don't even know for sure that I want to teach. I've thought about going on to graduate school, but I'm actually thinking about Occupational Therapy if I go, or there's always teaching or I may think about becoming an IBI therapist for the company I currently work for if I stick around here.... It's extremely nice pay :D.... and I've also thought about working for a few months and then going on a mission.

And like I want to get out of Idaho Falls, and Rexburg for a while and try it on my own for a while. But I really don't know where... and some days I even wonder if I'll be able to handle it even. Yeah I moved away for college... but come on... I moved less than 30 miles to Rexburg. I probably see my family more when I'm away at school on the weekends at family stuff than I do when I'm living at home and working.

And so my 3mos in Mesa are going to kinda be my starting ground to see what I really want to do. Sometimes I hope I get offered a teaching job down there, or maybe meet some graduate student at ASU or some guy working down there and fall madly in love and have a reason to stay. But there's also the thought that I may get down there and decide that I don't like teaching. or that I never want to leave Idaho again. So I really don't know right now.

I just feel like I'm spinning my tires right now. I'm ready for the final lap of the race of college, but I don't know where I'm going to place in the race until I actually start moving again.

This summer I'm working at TLC for the 6th summer straight and I've been in the same singles branch since I graduated. And as of fall I'll have lived in Rexburg 10 semesters.

And I'm ready for change, I need something different. I'm just scared of the what ifs, and I'm afraid that what I've dreamed is exactly that just a dream.

I just don't KNOW! and I know this is probably just Heavenly Father's way of teaching me patience, but I just really wish I could have an idea of what I should plan on doing after I graduate.

I really want the control of being able to say "Yeah I plan to ______, in ________ after I graduate." But I honestly can't. There are to many variables, what ifs and maybes.... and it's driving this control freak nutty! I feel like my life right now is basically at the cliff hanger of a season finale... the "To Be Continued..." point and well the script is still being written for the next season, so there's a ton of loose ends still waiting to decide what's going to continue on to the next season and what's just going to get written out. And the next season will basically be determined by the end results of the last few seconds of the season finale. And I guess for me that season finale cliffhanger is student teaching.... I'm hoping after that's done I'll have an impression of what I'm going to be doing beyond the cliffhanger.